It's not uncommon for toy collectors and "kid-at-heart" types to look back fondly on their action figure vehicles. From Technodromes to T.I.E. Fighters, the various pimped-out rides of our heroes and villains were often among the most coveted pieces of our collections. However, not every vehicle was worthy of such affection. In fact, some were downright nonsensical! Let's take a look at five of the goofiest vehicles (and vehicle assortments) ever:
The G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero toyline from the 1980s gave us a ton of kick-ass vehicles. Classics like the Rolling Thunder, Cobra H.I.S.S., Defiant, and Destro's Dominator immediately spring to mind. The list could go on and on. Hasbro set the bar pretty freakin' high, so much so that these Motorized Vehicle Packs from 1988 just don't cut the mustard.
These things are comically undersized. Sure, they were made as budget items, but there were other options like the Cobra Adder and Jet-Pack available at a similar price point. It's a bit hard for me to imagine anyone picking the Motorized Rocket Sled over one of those.
Still, these are just silly enough to have their own perverse brand of charm. Look at Muskrat up there, just puttin' along. D'aww.
1990 saw the debut of an incredibly short lived Swamp Thing animated series. Only five episodes were produced. Kenner's tie-in toyline made it to the shelves all the same. If you had figures, of course, you had to have vehicles to put 'em in. Enter: The Marsh Buggy!
It's funny. There are plenty of beautifully written, thought-provoking stories featuring Swamp Thing, but if you pour over his history in other media, you eventually come to this: a six-wheeled, tree-clawed death machine. I don't know, man. I just don't know.
This is "Beast Riders" Mechatron from the Transformers: Beast Machines toyline. There's no robot mode to be found: it's just a weaponized dragon head with a platform for figures like Night Viper. This is one of few official Transformer releases meant only as a vehicle for the other toys in the line.
On paper, a motherflippin' dragon chariot sounds intriguing. With an overly simplistic sculpt style that feels completely at odds with how hard they tried to make the thing "edgy" with the giant missiles and such, it didn't turn out so hot. Mechatron was sold alongside Che, a giant cheetah head based on Cheetor, but that one manages to feel at least a bit less derpy. The "Beast Riders" weren't developed by the main Transformers team, and it shows.
Ok. Here's where things get really dumb: Toy Biz's Magneto Magnetron and Wolverine Mutantcycle. It's been well documented that Magneto can use his powers to get around via levitation. Perhaps the "Magnetron" is a bit faster, but at what cost?! How can you possibly get in the right frame of mind for overthrowing the human race whilst scooting about in some glorified riding lawnmower thing? As for the "Mutantcycle?" While Wolverine is the motorcycle type, I don't think this red and yellow stabby abomination is really his style.
Don't let my tone fool you. I'm far more amused than outraged, but these were clearly made out of a sense of marketplace obligation rather than anything that fits the characters. It's pretty obvious someone at Toy Biz said "Ninja Turtles vehicles fly off the shelves - we gotta get it on that!" At least you can actually see the Turtles riding around in their blimp and van in the cartoon. These X-Men vehicles are pure nonsense.
Let's wrap up with Flash's Sky Slider from the Mattel DC Super Friends line. This was meant specifically for younger children, but I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Does a guy who can get anywhere he needs to go in a flash (Get it? See what I did there?!) by foot-power alone really need a hang glider buggy?
The debate could rage on for centuries, but either way, I was taken enough with the thing to actually buy it. That's right. I do indeed keep it very, very real. A hefty price reduction certainly helped nudge me along, but I would have given the Sky Slider only the most cursory of cursory glances if it wasn't so damn goofy.
I can already think of several other examples of action figure vehicles that inspire more snickering than awe, so I might conjure up a "Part II" in the future. In the meantime, if you have any in particular you'd like to discuss, let me know all about it in the comment section below!
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